جکهای کوتاه انگلیسی NEW JOKE


  • I never make mistakes, because I'm poof groof; I'm sorry, goof proof.
  • I drove over the pass, the other day. It's called Do Not Pass. I read that on the sign.
  • Last winter was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Alzheimer's disease.
  • Someone read some of these jokes and advised me not to quit my day job. Too late.
  • George W. Bush is our first President for whom English is a second language. I don't think he has a first language.
  • On my tombstone: I didn't know pushing up daisies was this difficult.
  • Poker player: "I lose way less money when I get bad cards."
  • Women have a great handicap in our society. They often have to perform the most difficult task ever done by a human being, pretend to be dummer than a man.
  • Please excuse Jimmy from his doctor's appointment, as he is sick today.
  • I never repeat the same mistake, because I make such a variety of them.
  • Then he drew hiss word. Sorry. Then he drew his sword.
  • "Pick a letter." "Y." "Just because, do you always have to be so difficult?"
  • Organic farmer: a farmer full of natural fertilizer.
  • Helen of Troy, really beautiful, face that could launch a thousand ships. Her hips alone could probably launch 100 ships.
  • You see those people over there? I know what they're talking about. They're saying that I'm paranoid.
  • A friend of mine is kind of a combination Bambi and Ghandi, a Mahatma Bambi.
  • The label on my bottle of Robotussin cough syrup says that it will make my coughs "more productive." If only I could become that productive.
  • If you are missing large portions of your time, that is a sign that you have been abducted by aliens, either that or you have been watching television.
  • Did you know that I have an Indian name?: Stupid-White-Man-with-Bogus-Indian-Name, and proud of it.
  • I read that Coca Cola was impacting upon the popularity of native Chinese beverages. But what does that have to do with the price of tea in China?
  • Some people say that they are vegetarians who eat fish. I'm a vegetarian who eats fish, poultry, pork, and beef.
  • One of the good things about not being famous: I have to do something really, really stupid to make the tabloids.
  • Bumper sticker on a toy car: My other car is a fire truck.
  • Key to exercise: get the lungs working and the heart pumping, and if you don't keel over dead, then you probably benefiting.
  • Be sure to use proper grammar: "I eat a steak." "I ate a stook."
  • The proper way to ask for more food is to say "Oink."
  • My doctor told me I have high brood pleasure, or maybe it was blood pressure, whatever.
  • I call my car C-Rex; it's a Honda CRX. Someone else has named it Wash Me.
  • A friend of mine believes in the inverse Special Olympics motto: everyone is a loser.
  • A song that was never popular, A Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall. It loses its way at about 999,998 bottles of beer on the wall.
  • I caught a mild version of mad cow disease, it's called disgruntled cow disease.
  • To show you how smart I am, I bought some cookies with half the calories, so I can eat three times as much.
  • I'm having difficulty reading the fine print anymore. I think my eyes are on the blink. [alternative joke, when I see a girl who blinks a lot: "I think her eyes are on the blink."]
  • A German, who was visiting America, was having difficulty communicating. Then one day he sneezed, and someone said "Gesundheit!" The German replied (in German), "Finally, someone who speaks German."
  • An old couple were visiting the big city for the first time, and got tickets to hear a famous concert pianist. Afterwards, the man was complaining that it didn't sound like music to him, that the pianist had pounded on the piano so hard that he thought it would collapse. The wife was more tolerant: "When you play that well, it's OK if it sounds bad." [This joke can be adapted to any musician, not necessarily a pianist]
  • What we call a shark, the Germans call a volksbeiterfisch.
  • By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane.
  • A friend of mine drove in a complete circle on a street, because one U-turn deserves another.
  • I hate to brag, but I have more brains in my head than you have in your little finger.
  • John Wayne Film Festival. Warning: Cowards may be offended by these movies.a


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